From Animal Rights Activist to Murderer

April 10, 2018

At my job, in the middle of the parking lot in front of the two buildings, there was man made pond surrounded with trees and a fountain in the middle. And there was Mother Goose who came back every year to nest and lay her eggs. Of course people always bothered her, but she’s a mom, so of course she’s going to pop off. It was never an issue though until April 10th. When a psycho pulled up in his hummer with “K9 UNIT” and “HOUND HUMMR”decals all over the sides, hood, and bumper. He got out and was followed by 6 Weimaraner dogs. All off their leash, all disobedient, all went straight to Mother Goose. A couple chased after her, a couple went straight for the eggs, and the rest ran wild around the parking lot. Chasing patients, running in front of cars, and the man just stood there. I called animal control. A nurse in the next building ran out and yelled at him to stop. It was chaos. In such a big office building, it was amazing how fast this news spread, everyone was talking about Mother Goose. The man told the nurse who came out to stop him “I was hired to get rid of the geese here. I would’ve thrown the eggs in the pond and let the turtles eat them. I hunt in the woods behind the buildings and I will just shoot them down if I see them.” First of all, it is a federal offense to harm Canadian geese. Second of all, there’s not turtles in the fucking pond, idiot.

When I clocked out for the day, I took the shuttle from work to my car (we weren’t allowed to park on site), and drove right back to work and parked where I was right across from Mother Goose. I was going to spend the night. If that man came back, I would be there to stop him. I had my self defense classes and a tiny baseball bat for protection. I was ready for a fight.

This is the night I met the nurse who ran out earlier. We became fast friends. Other coworkers came by through out the night to check on us, one of my friends even brought me dinner (bless her soul). The woman from animal control even came by every so often to check on us and Mother Goose. At around 10:30PM a truck pulled into the parking lot. Circled the lot slowly three times, so slowly we were able to get his license info, and then parked behind us at an angle we couldn’t get good eyes on him, but we did see him get out. Nurse called our Animal Control Heroine who dispatched the Game Warden and quickly came back, she told us to stay in our cars, she ran the plates and it was him. We were all hopped up on adrenaline and ready for action. When The Warden showed up shortly after, they surveyed the area together, but couldn’t find him. They decided to tow his truck. But it turned out not to be Psycho Hummer Man. There was a glitch in the computer system when the plates were ran and the truck belonged to the after hours cleaning guy. Being creepy was just part of his nightly routine. Thankfully, we did not tow the wrong truck. Even more thankfully, Mother Goose was protected by her Goose Guardians.

August 4, 2018

Fast forward to last night. My boyfriend’s family is in town for the week and my brother out law brought lobster for dinner (he’s not my brother in law because my boyfriend and I aren’t married, so his family are my out laws).

I know how to cook lobster. I know how long to boil them, how to break them apart, what is edible, it’ll be awesome. I can take this chance to show my man how a southern girl does things. But I was not prepared. I heard sounds from the box containing the lobsters. My brother out law tried to assure me it was ok, they were frozen………but now they were thawing and they were ALIVE. At that point I switched from sipping wine to making vodka and Cokes.

To comfort me, my brother out law made a back story, saying these were male lobsters who were given the death penalty for hitting their wives and eating their babies. He cooked the first one for me, but then I had to cook the rest.

While he was cooking the first one, not paying attention, I grabbed one lobster and smuggled him into the bathroom. I named him Lenny. Lenny was going to hide out in the bathtub until everyone left, then I’d set him free.

I came back from Lenny’s hideout to find the first sacrifice had been made and I was up to cook the rest. Before I put them in the pot of death, I thanked each one for their sacrifice. Around 2:00PM Lenny was discovered when someone went into the bathroom and heard a noise coming from the tub. He was placed back in the box. I knew it was him because earlier I removed the rubber bands around his claws to give him a fighting chance if found. I saved him for the very last, hoping someone would stop watching me to make sure the escape didn’t happen again. But all eyes were on me the rest of the time.

Time of death: 2:26 PM. RIP Lenny. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.

Around 2:30PM, I passed out due to the stress I endured from taking so many lives…..ok, and maybe the heavy boozing had a little part in it.

My boyfriend woke me up around 9:30 PM to let me know they were going out drinking and that he left me some dinner if I got hungry. I didn’t eat the plate of murder my boyfriend left for me, sitting in the microwave, haunting me of the lost souls I had taken only hours ago, with a side of mashed potatoes.

Instead I went right back to sleep and did not wake up again until he came home drunk at 2:30 AM wanting to tell me about all the fun they’d had, as if nothing had happened.

I can no longer say I am an animal rights activist, I am now a murderer. Because a group of people, whom I once considered family, couldn’t be happy with just ordering pizza for dinner.

I know one day I will eat lobster again, but I will never be the one cooking it or even in the vicinity of it happening ever again.