The Halloween Struggle Shuffle

I always loved Halloween. I love the creativity that goes into all the spooky decorations in people’s yards and the different costumes, there’s so much individuality and uniqueness involved. And the best part, Halloween is one of the most welcoming times of the year; people are happy to open their doors when someone knocks. It’s nothing like those Hallmark holidays.

When I was younger, I was something different every year. My mom made all my costumes and let me tell you, her sewing skills are legit. I have carried that with me into adulthood and to this day I have never been the same thing twice and all my costumes are put together at home. Yes, even as a grown ass woman I still dress up every year for Halloween and I am not ashamed to admit that yes, for a short time, I did go through that phase of dressing in lingerie, throwing on some kind of animal ears, and calling it a costume. But even then, it was new lingerie and animal ears every time. I have always loved it, but after what he did to me, I had to relearn how to enjoy the holiday again.

Flashback to Halloween 2013: We sat outside with his neighbors and some friends, passing out candy to the four kids that lived on the street and beers to their parents. It was the perfect pregame for the Halloween party at the bar down the street, until one of his neighbor’s friends, a mutual friend of mine, came over. He started showing signs of jealousy almost immediately. I should’ve just went home (we weren’t living together yet), but I didn’t want to miss out on the fun. I loved Halloween, this year I was a cute ass lamb, there was not way I was missing out. Silly little lamb.

The jealousy only got worse when we got to the bar, and he really lost it when I was outside smoking a cigarette with my friend. It was nothing that would seem like it needed explanation, the back patio for smokers was packed, and we were with like three other friends out there, but the fact that my friend was out there with us, it was enough to send him over the edge. We called it a night early and went back to his house to carry on with our arguing and once we were back to his house, I pulled the usual “I’m going back to my place. You need time to figure your shit out because I will not be controlled so I’m packing up and I’m leaving, blah blah blah” and as I was over dramatically packing up my things from the drawer he had cleared out for me, that was when he hit me across my back.

He didn’t hit me hard enough to leave a physical mark, but it was hard enough to knock me to the floor. It didn’t even leave too much of an emotional mark. The emotional mark I am now living with was my doing.

As soon as he hit me, I left and went back to my apartment. You would think that should be the strong empowering part, I should be proud of myself for leaving, but nope that was not the case. A couple hours later, I went back to his house, crying and apologizing for being the reason that he reacted that way, as if I pushed him to that point. My reaction to his behavior is the mark that has lasted for far too long, and my emotions now around Halloween have really gotten out of control.

Flash forward to four Halloweens later, and without realizing it, I had became completely obsessed with the holiday. For those four years, every costume had to be home made and it had to be absolute perfection. Every year I put everything I had into my costumes, and every year I had countless meltdowns and panic attacks, all the joy was sucked out of what was supposed to be the most magical time of the year.

Thank god for counseling, because I learned my obsessive behavior was my way of trying to reclaim something that I used to consider mine and I was going through a power struggle trying to attempt this.

This year was the first time that I felt the magic of Halloween again. I didn’t even put that much thought into my costume. For the Halloween party over the weekend, I let my boyfriend BUY our costumes, and they were a huge hit. Tonight, Halloween, my costume was a Cleveland Browns fan (the jersey with black eyeliner streaming down my face from all the tears, you get it) and I sat outside of our apartment, passed out candy, and I had the best time.

I have never felt so mellow and happy on Halloween since that night, and it is amazing. I know there’s still going to be times where I start to do the Halloween Struggle Shuffle, but at least now I am able to recognize when it’s happening and I can calm myself down and enjoy the magic of MY holiday again.