When I wasn’t having The Nightmare, I had nightmares about killer whales.
I have researched the symbolism of killer whales in dreams. I know the popular belief is that dreaming about orcas symbolize inner peace and strength. But in my dream experience, that is a crock of shit.
I have had just as many Killer Whale dreams as The Nightmare. I remember them all, but there are two dreams that have stuck with me for reasons I can not understand. I can remember them as vividly as if they were real.
The first one was on the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel. There was a terrible thunder storm, the sky was a black as night, water crashing onto the bridge. And I was driving, just trying to get to the other side through the storm, but there were killer whales breaching all around me onto the bridge and I knew for sure I was going to die via killer whale at the damn HRBT.
The second one was somewhere tropical. The weather was beautiful, I again was driving on a bridge. The water was beautiful, crystal clear; but the bridge was falling apart, some parts were already submerged under water and covered in coral, the parts that still remained were about to crumble under the water at any second. I don’t know where I was or where I was going, but I know I needed to get to the other side of this untrustworthy bridge, and there were those damn killer whales again, breaching all around me, trying to take me down and the bridge I was on.
So, say what you want about the greatness of killer whales in dreams, but I know that’s a damn lie and there is no changing my mind. I am terrified of killer whales, more so than sharks. If a killer whale was ever spotted off the east coast, I would never step foot in the Atlantic Ocean for a long as I lived.
Tonight, my boyfriend and I were watching a show where one of the characters suddenly commits suicide, and he turned to me and asked “You wouldn’t do this would you?” I told him no, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.
I have thought about ending it all; all of the anxiety, all of the depression, all of the living in fear, and just going into the unknown. And my ideal way was via bridge. I pictured myself speeding on a bridge, hitting the guard rail at just the right angle, and flying off into the ocean.
Thankfully, with counseling I was able to realize why I was having such dark thoughts. According to my counselor, depression aside, bridges were connected to my trauma…..The fuck?? How the fuck do you make a connection like that?? (Those were the exact words I used to my counselor during this session)
Here’s the outline for the connection : After The Night, I moved back in with my mom, but I still had to go back to the beach for work, my doctor’s appointments, my surgery follow ups, all of that, and then all back to my mom’s again, and it just so happens that I have to take a bridge/tunnel route between my mom’s and the beach.
The Connection: Driving from a safe place (my mom’s) into an unsafe location (the beach, where he and I lived) shouldn’t be a surprise that I would feel this way while driving on bridges.
The Healing: I learned to handle these thoughts better. Now, when I’m on a bridge, I just repeat to myself “I AM SAFE” over and over again until I’m over the bridge. And this has actually worked.
I was driving to and from my mom’s over the weekend, and I didn’t realize it until I was almost back home that I didn’t even have to remind myself I was safe during those trips. It was such a relief. I feel like I am really healing. I feel good again. I feel safe. I can drive on a bridge and not feel the urge to sail my Jeep into the water.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, do not hesitate to seek help. There is nothing wrong with you, the world does need you, and you do have a purpose. Don’t hesitate. Visit the site below by clicking the link or copy and paste into your web browser. It is not too late for you.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Side Note: With all of this healing and all of the break throughs, we still weren’t able to get a connection with the killer whales. Thankfully, those nightmares have finally calmed down and I rarely get them anymore. But if anyone has any insight or dream interpretation skills, I would love to hear what you think those nightmares mean (without the textbook answer because, like I said, there is ZERO positivity when those creatures start popping up in my dreams).
FINAL THOUGHT: My new biggest fear after sharing this is what if I die because my Jeep went over a bridge and people think “Well, she tried to warn us. All the signs were there”, please PLEASE know those thoughts are WRONG and my death via bridge was NOT intentional. Thanks 🙂
Panic Attack Paints 