Clarification

My ex was not a bad person.

There was a time when he made me happy, truly happy. We had fun together. He could always make me laugh. He was always there when I needed him.

He was not a bad person. If he was, I never would’ve dated him. I wouldn’t have given him the time of day.

He was not a bad person. And that’s probably why I stayed as long as I did. He hit me three times, and I still stayed. Because any time in between the mental and physical abuse, if I saw just a glimpse of the old him, the fun and happy him, I saw the good in him again. I saw us together and getting through this. I saw me helping him and getting him to finally seek the professional help he needed to get back to his good self and then we could go back to being happy again.

He was not a bad person. But he was not mentally stable. He was mean. His anger issues made me scared. He hurt me.

I am glad I wasn’t able to help him. I’m so thankful for that. Because what if he let me think I was helping and he started showing a consistent change? What if we did get back to the way it was when we first met? Would I have stayed? Probably. But how much longer would that “change” in him last? I can say with 100% confidence, if I stayed, something awful would’ve happened and then I would not be here today writing this. I would not be here sharing my story or my paintings.

I did not start any of this to seek attention or for pitty party or a bash the ex session. I started this to share my story. I want to help empower others who have been through this, to help others see YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS, YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS. If this was written for attention or out of anger, it would mean I still cared about him, but I don’t. I don’t care what he does or where he’s been or what he’s doing. I do care if he ever dates again. Not because I’m bitter, but because I get scared for any other woman he’s with. I pray for her safety, for her strength and sanity.  I hope he finally gets the help he needs, but that would take him admitting what he did and being help accountable for his actions, and that will never happen. He will never change, so what’s the point in dwelling over any of it?

Just because you stayed with your abusive partner, it does not mean you are “seeking attention” or you are “stupid for staying” or whatever anyone wants to think. Who knows why you stayed. Maybe you feel hopeless, like you have no where else to turn or go? Or maybe you stayed because you saw the person they once were. But you are not the one who can help your abuser, they have to want to change and seek professional help on their own. If you stay, there’s nothing you can do except continue to be their punching bag. You need to get out. Don’t let it get carried so far away that the next thing you know you’re using a police officer’s phone to call your mom at 3AM to tell her the location of the hospital you’re being taken to because he hit you so badly.

I started this because I wish I had something like this to read when he and I were together. I hope I can be the voice I needed back then, for someone else.