SAD

Out of all my diagnoses, my favorite is Seasonal Affective Disorder.

First of all, the acronym is SAD. Someone will ask me “What’s wrong?” And I just say “It’s SAD” Ooooh the irony, I love it!!!

Second, there’s so many exaggerations and jokes about it on TV shows or movies or whatever; I think it’s all hilarious.

But SAD is very real and saying I get sad isn’t the correct word for me to use.

Yeah, we all get a little sad when the days start getting shorter and it starts getting colder out, but for me, saying I get sad is an understatement. I dread this time of year. I don’t just get sad, I get depressed.

It’s like this: You know on certain days in the summer, when the weather is just right, the sun is warming your skin, and there’s the smell of fresh cut grass in the air and all of a sudden your mind has taken you back in time to a memory from high school? For me, it’s a lot like that, except not so comfy; instead I get these feelings of anxiety, fear, sadness, you get the idea.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is most common in the Fall and Winter because, since the days are shorter, your brain is getting less natural Vitamin D and serotonin from the sun. Some people don’t realize they’re experiencing SAD, some people don’t experience anything at all. While Seasonal Affective Disorder is most common in the Fall and Winter, it can occur in the Summer or Spring too. It’s not just about sunshines and serotonins; it’s a combination of that and the subconscious emotions that really take things to a different level of Sad.

After some breakthroughs in counseling, I now know why I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Turns out that I may have had SAD after my dad passed away in 2009, but it didn’t get this bad until my last relationship. This is my SAD Time Line:

• October 31st, 2013: The first time he hit me.
• November 28, 2013 (Thanksgiving Eve): The second time he hit me.
• December 16, 2009: My dad passed away.
• January 12, every year: My dad’s birthday.
• February 14, 2014: The Night.

Now, I know what you’re thinking………what’s with this guy and holidays, am I right?!? But yeah, that’s my SAD Time Line. All wrapped up into one little Fall and Winter package.

My depression hits hard in the Fall, around beginning of October. The days are shorted, the weather gets colder (FYI, I HATE being cold). With those environmental factors, plus all those little time line dates, plus all those subconscious memories and emotions, equals a tsunami of feelings as soon as October hits and next thing I know, I’m having to force myself to get out of bed and get dressed every single morning; my energy is completely drained. And all I can do is get through it until the Spring.

I’m back to my usual self by March 17th (yes, St. Patrick’s Day, because if he gets to have a thing for holidays, then so do I). I am so thankful I didn’t stay with him through St. Patrick’s Day. He took Halloween, Thanksgiving Eve, and Valentine’s Day from me. St. Patrick’s Day is MY holiday. It’s always been my favorite. Halloween used to be a close second, but after what happened with him, it hasn’t been the same (more details about my Halloween struggles coming very very soon).

Thankfully I have my antidepressant meds and my light therapy lamp to get me through the Fall and Winter. Don’t laugh, the light therap lamp actually works. It emits ultraviolet light which helps with the vitamin D intake and increases serotonin. In the mornings I plug my lamp in, turn it on, and go back to sleep for a few and let the UV soak in and then I am AWAKE. I use it again around 2:30PM when I should be taking a nap if I was a stay at home dog mom, and BOOM, I am up alive again and a functioning member of society. I actually don’t have to take as much of my ADHD meds as I used to because of this damn lamp. I highly recommend one of these therapy lamps, it’s amazing.

But I still spiral. I get questions at work about it, the weird looks when I try to explain my light therapy and that sends me back down a spiral of anxiety and anger; like why did I allow this man to put me through so much shit that now I have to sit at my fucking work desk with a fucking lamp so that I can function like a semi normal fucking human being……..When I start getting that spiral, I just turn my lamp on high, practice my cognitive exercises, and try to stay sane while counting down the days until St. Patrick’s Day when I will finally be back to normal again.

I wish I was a bear. I’d be great at hibernation. I cannot fucking wait for Spring so my happiness finally thaws out from the Fall/Winter.