Please Don’t Give Up On Me.

I thought being happy would be different.

I’m not angry like I used to be. I learned the difference between Powering and Empowering.

I sleep through through most nights. Except for the few nights when I think I’m doing too great and decide to stop taking my sleep medication, those are the nights I get The Nightmare.

But still, I’m happy. Things don’t dwell in my mind like they used to. I’m more active now, I’m actually willing to do something besides moving from the bed to the couch.

But without my anger and self destruction, who am I??

I don’t feel like I have a purpose anymore. I’m just living life like a normal person, just going through the motions, without letting too much fuck with my mindset.

All of this sucks. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like a teenager trying to rediscover herself all over again. And if the first time around wasn’t hard enough, try doing it in your late twenties. This is rough.

Even writing this, I feel awkward. I had to drink a bottle of wine to remind myself I’m a grown ass woman and not the kid trying to discover herself like the way I feel (so if this is written poorly, blame it on the boozing of a grown ass woman).

My painting sucks now. I’m just going through the motions, but not the emotions. I’m trying to do too much and trying too many new techniques and I’m losing the purpose of why I started any of this in the first place. The other night I got so pissed off at something new I was trying to create, my boyfriend had to come interrupt me (something he never does) to suggest I take a break and remember I used to enjoy this. My response was boarder line exorcist style, my head started spinning, projectile vomit GEEEETTTTT OOOOOOUUUUUUTTTTTT the demon inside me growled. But he was right. I used to enjoy painting, I liked getting my emotions out, and now I’m forcing it.

All this being said, I have decided to take a very small amount of time off from painting. It won’t last long, but for now, I need this. I need to rediscover myself and whatever purpose I have now.

To anyone who’s been interested in my art, or reading this, please don’t give up on me.